Heartbreak and more
Okay so I knew Jack Nōtarin was up to something the moment I woke up but as I stare at him I nearly can't believe the words that form out of his mouth. I open my mouth to protest but he is sly. He places his finger on my lips silencing me. "Dauntless is where I belong in my heart, you know here we get drugged every day... The bread..." He looks away from me almost like he entered a memory. I stare at him with worry. "But.. Jack!" I listen to my voice, it is weak and hoarse, I know I am ready to burst into tears. Jack looks back to me, her black eyes look like a void instead of the normal endless portal of hope and light. I reach out and try to put my hand on her, to kiss him. He steps back... he stepped back. I take a step back and let a gasp out of me. A moan of pain. "It can't happen... It won't work... Listen..." but I heard enough. I take another step back then again and then again. "Jack..." I mumble before running away, my heart in pieces. I need to get ready anyway. I have another bit of shit to put up with... The age of sixteen. I think about all of the problems I am going to face but Jack... his hope to move on makes me sigh. Guess that only makes my own hope of going to Candor even stronger. Then i stop in my tracks. How long has he been planning to move factions? How long has he kept that secret from her? Sighing again I realize that I will be alone. Heartbroken. Alone. With no lies. I smile a little. At least I won't have the problem of lies in my face everyday.
I can tell when my friends have lied. I can see it. Yui Sakai blushes, Moka Hippon sometimes cries or she can't look at you, Jack is harder... he is not like the others who are books. He is - was - different. His eyes would get wider than normal, he breaths a little faster than normal. That is all to go on. It's hard when he has been doing a lot of work to tell if he is lying or not, I guess that why I love him... or I guess loved now. Almost like my heart is replying to me is starts to ache. Maybe after the Choosing I can finally get a good life, one without lies and trying to guess if my friends are friends or my enemies. I stare backwards again. I had started to walk it seems. I will say goodbye before I leave. It will be best for both of us...
I stare at the crowd of people that are more like a folk of sheep heading there ways to a new field rather than trucks. The Choosing Chemory, things can only get worse form here, I can't help but think. Jack is no where to be seen which makes me scared and feel weird. I am use to him being next to me everywhere and bothering me when I am doing something he doesn't feel is right. It feels almost foreign, like I am currently in a dream. Everyone is their, normal, Amity selves and makes me smirk a little. Even though my life from now on is going to be different and possibly hard I can't help but smile a little but then I stop. Everyone is smiling and maybe only because of one thing... The thing we get lied too all the time. Bread... Yui jumps in front of me stopping my train of thoughts and forces me to stop. She has her big goofy smile that makes me smile too normally but currently the only thing I can do is worry about everything. I think back to a time where she hasn't smiled but I come back blank and then smile a little again. If Yui didn't smile then that would scare me. "So... Jill... What's wrong with you and Jack?" The question puts me off balance and I get worried in case Jack has said something but then from the corner of my eye I see Jack moaning at Moka. I know what's going on. Jack is lying, I can barely tell while Moka is making a face a him. It makes sense now, Yui and Moka aren't dumb and know that something is wrong with the pair of us and is wondering about it. I let out a little sigh."Me and Jack just had a little fall out," I scratch my head knowing that won't do it so i end up telling Yui everything. I hate lying to my friends... I explain how Jack is going to move to Dauntless and it at this moment that I realize we are now out of the way of anyone, the place is empty. I find out we are on stairs. Blue ones that I have never seen before. I barely hear Yui ask me if I was okay with it and then I say something that scares me. "It's fine, I'm joining Candor anyways!" I almost moan at myself. I didn't want to tell anyone since I knew they would worry about me and then I felt guilt. I feel like I just stabbed Yui with those words but even so Yui still smiles. "Go for it," she whispers before we run to catch up with the rest of Amity. The words echo in my head and I barely realize that I had ran up to Jack. The words you should apologize, in Yui's voice hits me. I need to listen out more. I sigh and smile at Jack. He gives me eyes saying that he is sorry but it's not enough...
I apologize with a smile and talk to him while we walk towards the school. Even so I know that we can never be boyfriend and girlfriend again, or even friends. I'm moving to Candor for a reason after all, I hate lies...
As we enter the school I can't help but let a few tears escape. I had, after all, lived all my life in Amity and now I was planning to just move along like it is nothing. I smile as I think of the happy times in Amity but I quickly stop. The bread... I couldn't come off my mind. I knew before Jack told me and it was one of the reasons I was tempted to join Candor. They lied to us about a lot of things but the fact that they drugged us with Peace Serum nearly everyday made me feel sick. I enter the building and stand next to other people from other factions and it is at this moment in time where I realize that I might not see any of these people again even if they weren't my friend. I stare at my other friends who all have a nervous faces expect Jack who looks determent. I sigh and take a deep breath. I knew they worked from the letter Z to A and it could only make me feel even worse. I was only six away from being the last one. From the corner of my eye I see Moka barely smiling, trying to be brave. She waves to me and gives me a thumbs up. I smile back and wave as I realize that she would be fine without me, she had Yui, here best friend who had always been there for her when anyone else said they wouldn't. I relax knowing my friends should be fine. They are brave and strong in their own way.
A women is white and black - A Candor - steps to the front. It makes me smile a little knowing I will soon be wearing those color of clothes. I watch as she starts a peace on how whatever faction they join it will be a 'faction before blood' from here on out. I can only stare with a straight face. Then as the first person came forwards, I didn't even hear their name called, I start to panic. I felt sick and worried. I felt like I was betraying everyone I have ever lived with. "Yui Sakai." The name made me come out of my dream state as I stare at her. I nod to her but I'm not sure if she sees it. She takes the knife and I notice her hands shaking. Don't tell me... I stare more closely. No had transferred yet... If she does... I open my eyes wide and I see others do the same. She slices her hand that seems like slow-motion to me and she takes a step back. She squeezes her eyes shut and then moves a little, by this time there is blood on the floor. Yui walks past the Amity soil and I can see Moka panic, whispering for her to go back but she doesn't. She gets closer and closer to the end of the table. A puddle forming on the ground then she raises her hand over the water. Erudite's sign. Yui had chosen Erudite and been the first transfer but then I feel worse. Moka is nearly in tears as Yui goes back and get's people to help her stop the bleeding from her hand. "Moka..." I barely hear myself say. We have left her. We left Moka. We are selfish people, at least we weren't planning of joining Abnegation.
I watch as Jack placed his hand over the coal and his blood sizzled, as Moka placed her hand over the soil and I noticed the red marks on her. She had realized we left her for our own selfish ordeals. I feel bad and when my name is shouted I don't expect it. i nealry jump and I slowly walk to the Candor woman who is smiling. I try to smile back but it's impossible for me. I keep panicing about Moka. I take the knife and look at the Amity soil and the Candor's clear glass. I slice my hand. Drip! Drip! I start to walk. Drip! Drip! I place my hand over something. Pit-Pat! Pit-Pat! I place dit over the glass, the glass tainting red. I know I am looking proud as I do it but inside I feel like I am the worse person to live. Moka... I am sorry and with that I go back to the line crying...